Just joking

[iceman]

Warning not a snowmobile related post. You have been warned. 

 

 

 

 

Sitting along an Upper Peninsula highway waiting to catch speeders, a Michigan State Police officer saw a car puttering along at 28 M.P.H. He thought to himself, "That car is just as dangerous as a speeder." 

So, he turned his lights on and pulled the car over. Approaching the vehicle, he noticed there were 5 elderly ladies, two in the front and 3 in the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver was obviously confused. She said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't going over the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" 

"Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving well under the speed limit can also be dangerous.”

"Under the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 28 miles an hour," the old woman said proudly.

The officer, holding back a chuckle, explained that 28 was the highway route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. 

"Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK? These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time.”

"Oh! they’ll be alright in a minute. We just got off Route 129.”

[iceman]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[iceman]

HOOTERS
Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other. 
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf, and head for lunch.  "Where you wanna go?"  "Hooters."  "Why Hooters?"  "They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."  "You're on." 
At age 42, they meet and play golf again  "Where you wanna go for lunch?"  "Hooters."  "Again?  Why?"  "They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."  "OK."
At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"  "Hooters.  "Why?"  "The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."  "OK."
At age 62 they meet again.  After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"  "Hooters."  "Why?"  "Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."  "Good choice"
At age 72 they meet again.  Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"  "Hooters."  "Why?"  "They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."  "Great choice.
At age 82 they meet and play again.  "Where should we go for lunch?"  "Hooters."  "Why?"  "Because we've never been there before."  “Okay, let’s give it a try."

[Signfan]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides. 😳🤣

[800steve]

Its time for his yearly check up so the old man asks his wife to take him to the Doc, because he cant drive anymore due to hearing and vision problems. After sitting in the waiting room for a long while the old man is getting ugly and his wife has had it with him. Into the exam room they go, after a quick look over the Doc tells the old man, I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample. Being hard of hearing he asks the doc again, what do you want and the doc repeats it back to him, but again, he has a hard time hearing him. Finally the wife gets fed up with this and yells in his ear, HE NEEDS A PAIR OF YOUR UNDERWEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Signfan]

A doctor in St John's Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his janitor. "I am goin' huntin' tomorrow Buddy and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients and I'll give you fifty bucks."

"Yes, sir!" answers Buddy.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Buddy, How was your day?"    

Buddy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo Buddy! The second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him MAALOX, sir." says Buddy

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this. And what about the third one?" asks the Doctor.    

"Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and suddenly the door flies opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME I haven't seen a man in over two years.      

"Lard tunderin' Yeezus, Buddy!!! What did you do?”          

"I put drops in her eyes!!"

[PLAYHARD]

My Doc said: "You going to have to stop masturbating."

I said: "Why Doc?!"

She said: "Because I have to examine you!"

[800steve]

 Do you know why dogs lick themselves?

[dooright]

36 minutes ago, 800steve said:

 Do you know why dogs lick themselves?

Because they can ?

[800steve]

1 hour ago, dooright said:

Because they can ?

No, because they cant make a fist🐶

[NSHM]

 

Donald Trump, George Bush and Joe Biden were set to face a firing squad in a small central American country.  Donald Trump was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out "Earthquake".  The firing squad fell into a panic and Donald Trump jumped over the wall and escaped during the confusion.

 

George Bush was the second one placed against the wall.  The squad was reassembled and George pondered what he had just witnessed.  Again before the order was given George yelled out "Tornado".  Again the squad fell apart and George slipped over the wall.

 

The last person Joe Biden was placed against the wall.  He was thinking, I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall.  He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled.  As the rifles were raised in his direction, he grinned from ear to ear and yelled "Fire".

[iceman]

31 minutes ago, NSHM said:

 

Donald Trump, George Bush and Joe Biden were set to face a firing squad in a small central American country.  Donald Trump was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out "Earthquake".  The firing squad fell into a panic and Donald Trump jumped over the wall and escaped during the confusion.

 

George Bush was the second one placed against the wall.  The squad was reassembled and George pondered what he had just witnessed.  Again before the order was given George yelled out "Tornado".  Again the squad fell apart and George slipped over the wall.

 

The last person Joe Biden was placed against the wall.  He was thinking, I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall.  He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled.  As the rifles were raised in his direction, he grinned from ear to ear and yelled "Fire".

Believe it.

[MrGutz]

20 hours ago, NSHM said:

 

Donald Trump, George Bush and Joe Biden were set to face a firing squad in a small central American country.  Donald Trump was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out "Earthquake".  The firing squad fell into a panic and Donald Trump jumped over the wall and escaped during the confusion.

 

George Bush was the second one placed against the wall.  The squad was reassembled and George pondered what he had just witnessed.  Again before the order was given George yelled out "Tornado".  Again the squad fell apart and George slipped over the wall.

 

The last person Joe Biden was placed against the wall.  He was thinking, I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall.  He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled.  As the rifles were raised in his direction, he grinned from ear to ear and yelled "Fire".

Good thing it wasn't Trumps wall.... Nooo one can get over it......

On no, he did not just say that... did he....

HAHAHA!!

GutZ

Edited October 30, 2020 by MrGutz

[NSHM]

 

 THESE ARE PERFECT FOR 2020...…………...

 

 

1.     The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

 

2.     I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone.  He asked me what I was  wearing.

 

3.     2019:  Stay away from negative people.  2020:  Stay away from positive people.

 

4.     The world has turned upside down.  Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

 

5.     This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her dog.  It was obvious she thought her dog understood her.  I came into my house & told my cat.  We laughed a lot.

 

6.     Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit.  Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

 

7.  Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

 

8.  This virus has done what no woman has been able to do.  Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home!

 

9.  I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

 

10. I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

 

11. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the Backyard.  I’m getting tired of the Living Room.

 

12. Appropriate analogy.  "The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” is like saying “The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now.”

 

13. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask & asking for money.

 

14. The spread of COVID-19 is based on 2 things: 

        1.  How dense the population is. 

        2.  How dense the population is .